The Co-Sleeping Closet: Part 2

So where was I?  Oh yes, co-sleeping with one child in the bed and the other in my belly, wondering how on earth we were going to make this work once he came out.  We tried not to stress too much about it, because if Medium Boy had taught me one thing, it was that no matter how much I planned, he was really in control, not me.  But I was definitely worried about how Medium Boy was going to deal with becoming a big brother and sharing his Mama, and how on earth we were going to apply our parenting philosophies to two small children simultaneously.

And sure enough, once Baby Boy came home from the hospital, our first few nights were full of tears, and not from Baby Boy.  All Medium Boy wanted at bedtime was his Mamaaaaaaaaaa, and of course his Mama was tied up taking care of the newborn who usually wanted to nurse for hours on end in the evenings.  So effectively, we hid.  Baby Boy and I stayed downstairs, out of sight, while Dada and Medium Boy went upstairs to do bedtime.  It took some adjusting, but after a few days it became the new routine.  Once he finally fell asleep, Dada would send me an email from his smartphone (could we be anymore technologically savvy?) and let me know it was safe to come back upstairs, where Baby Boy would sleep for at least a few hours in his bouncy seat or pack and play next to our bed (way more than his big brother ever did).  Then I would nurse him in bed, and usually spend at least a few hours in the wee hours of the morning with him sleeping on my chest, gassy as could be, while I whacked him on the back and willed him with ever fiber of my being to go back to sleep.  Was it a perfect system?  Absolutely not.  But I slept a heck of a lot more during Baby Boy's newborn days than I ever did during Medium Boy's.

After a few months passed by, Medium Boy became more accustomed to sharing me with his brother, and soon we were able to integrate ourselves back into bedtime again.  And as crazy as our new routine became, I will count these moments as some of my favorite memories.  At bedtime, we would get jammies on, brush our teeth, then gather on our bed.  I would wrap Baby Boy in one of his (fantastic!) Kiddopotamus SwaddleMe wraps as Medium Boy and I would sing, to the tune of the Raffi song Baby Beluga, a song I made up called Baby Burrito. Baby Boy would smile as his big brother and I sang to him, and my heart would melt a little bit more every night.  Then we'd lie down in bed and I would nurse Baby Boy to sleep as Medium Boy and I read our three bedtime stories each night.  Baby Boy would peacefully nod off, then I'd put my sweet, swaddled boy down in the pack and play where he would sleep for at least a few hours all on his own.  It was magic.  Once he was down, I could snuggle with Medium Boy until he fell asleep too.  And then I would instantly pass out from exhaustion. :)

Looking back at all the time I spent fighting with Medium Boy, trying to get make him go to sleep and stay asleep in his crib by himself, it makes me wonder how different things would have been if I'd adopted the same approach with him.  But hindsight is 20/20.  Hopefully we've more than made up for our missteps by allowing him to continue sleeping snugly between us for so long.

Baby Boy would sleep peacefully for a few hours, then I would scoop him out of the pack and play, unswaddle him, nurse him and curl up with him to go back to sleep.  Neither one of us fully woke up, so there was no battle to get him back to sleep again, and as long as I was close-by, he was as happy as could be.  Let me pause to say that we've always followed safe co-sleeping practices...when Baby Boy was a little baby, I made sure to dress in warm jammies so I didn't need a blanket pulled up anywhere near where he was sleeping.  I was never under the influence of anything, and I'm a really light sleeper, so the second he stirred or moved, I was able to respond.  I also sleep like a rock, so I was never worried about rolling over on him or flailing around.  And he stayed on the outside edge of our bed, away from my hubby and Medium Boy, with me in between for protection.  Finally, our bed is not on a frame, so it's very close to the ground.  Just thought I should probably throw that in so anyone reading this knows that I was very cautious.  Co-sleeping has gotten a bad name lately, and if you're going to try it, you definitely need to do your research and find out how to do it properly.  In my opinion, most people fall asleep with their babies at some point and it's better to do it intentionally and safely than accidentally and unsafely.

So now here we are. Medium Boy is 2 and 3/4 and Baby Boy just turned 10 months. We still follow mostly the same routine except Baby Boy has long since rejected his swaddle, and he probably spends a few more hours in our bed now than when he was little.  He's also much more aware and mobile, which makes him a little easier to sleep with because I don't have to be as worried about his safety, but also harder, because he's all over the place when I'm trying to get him to sleep.  Our bed, which I should probably mention is a king, is getting more crowded by the day.  And we're finally, after a much-longer-than-anticipated renovation, getting ready to move to our new house.

We've always said that when we move, Medium Boy is going to move into his big boy bed in his own room, and we're definitely going to give that a go, but as I'm sure most things have been with him, we're just going to have to play it by ear and see how it goes.  I keep telling myself that someday he will be a surly teenager who wants nothing to do with us, so my hubby and I are both just trying to enjoy how much he loves us right now and give him a secure environment in which to grow up.  Aside from the fact that he's two (you know, terrible and all), he's turning into an exceedingly bright, loving boy, so I feel like we must be doing something right.

As long as Baby Boy is still nursing at night, and I'm not quite sure when we'll nip that one in the bud, I'm going to keep him in our room for my sake, since I get a lot more sleep when I don't have to fully wake up and walk between rooms to get him.  He may not co-sleep as long as his brother, but he very well may, and that's ok.  While I will never know for sure if it's a result of how we've been raising him or just his mellow temperament (or maybe a combination of both), Baby Boy is one of the sweetest babies ever, and he seems on track to be just as smart and curious as his big brother.

As I mentioned in the first part of this post, my husband and I did not go into this whole parenthood thing intending to be "attachment parents."  And to this day, we don't follow every single one of their principles (no, Medium Boy is not still nursing, and Baby Boy will not be nursing for too much longer).  But the more I read about attachment parenting in general, the more I agree with its philosophies.  It seems to make a lot more sense to me to follow my instincts while raising my children, and letting Medium Boy cry in his crib went against every instinct in my body.

Whenever someone asks me about our sleep situation (because, aside from poop, it's one of the most popular topics of conversation among Mamas), I tell them that Medium Boy still sleeps with us and that Baby Boy does part-time, joking that we are "those people."  I know that most people are smiling to my face while internally judging me as a nut-job, just like I did back in the day with my friend, and that's ok.  We all have to make our own decisions on how to raise our children, then cross our fingers and hope they turn out well.  All of us just have to hope that our unique formulas paired with the temperaments of our completely unique children will create productive citizens in the end.

So to wrap things up...is it easy to co-sleep?  In many ways, yes!  Especially if you're breastfeeding, you get a ton more sleep, and you will fight so much less with your children when you don't have to keep trying to get them back into bed.  But also no.  Sometimes I lament that it would be so much easier if my kiddos actually went to bed at a normal hour like most children do.  My hubby and I don't get much alone time, and I get very little "me" time, something I know most moms struggle with, but co-sleeping moms have it harder than most.  I wanted to write this post because I know how lost I felt during those long, long months that Medium Boy wasn't sleeping and I was a human zombie.  I hope that maybe, just maybe, somebody who has one of those anti-crib babies will read this and discover that there is another option out there.  It's a very different option from what most people think is "normal" but it can be a great option all the same.

As a Mama, I couldn't be prouder of the wonderful children we are raising.  They are truly my greatest accomplishments.  And I love being a parent so much that the next question is not whether we'll have more kids, but how many more to have, something I never in a million years would have guessed.

That being said, I think we might need a bigger bed.

The Co-Sleeping Closet: Part 1

Baby Boy stirs and I lean over to kiss him good morning. He looks at me and smiles a huge gummy smile, and we snuggle a little closer to start our day. I roll over and look at Medium Boy, his sandy hair splayed across his pillow, sleep still heavy on his features. If you’re following along you will note that I have two, yes two, children in our bed as we wake to start another day.

I didn’t intentionally choose to follow an attachment parenting philosophy and I certainly didn’t intend to co-sleep with my children as I was finding my way as a parent. While pregnant, I’d read Babywise, a book that emphasizes routines for babies as a blueprint to get them to sleep though the night sooner, and thought it sounded like a great philosophy…great, that is, until I met my first son. He was intense from the start—collicky as a newborn and the world’s worst sleeper from day one. I take that back…he was a GREAT sleeper when someone was holding him, but the minute I put him down in his crib, he instantly woke up and screamed bloody murder until someone picked him back up again. Bedtime was excruciating…nurse, down, up, repeat a few times, tiptoe out, waaaaaaaah!, and we’d start the dance again. And since he was still up several times at night to nurse and it was a battle every time I tried to get him back down again, I was a total zombie because I wasn’t getting more than 3 hours of sleep in a stretch. I was quickly losing my sanity.

I read every book out there…the No Cry Sleep Solution, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems and the Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems to name a few…and after each book I would try the techniques with the hope that something would change. But every time, those hopes would come crashing down as I stared at a red-faced, screaming infant looking at me with what could only be described as disdain as I tried “Ferberizing,” “Pick Up/Put Down” and the “Pantley Dance,” among other unsuccessful techniques. Now a 2.5 year old, my Medium Boy, whenever he stubs his toe, scrapes his knee or feels alone, cries “I want my Mamaaaaa!” and that must be was he was trying to say back then.

A friend who’d had her daughter a few months before I had Medium Boy had touted the wonders of co-sleeping, and while I smiled and nodded, I was really thinking what a loony toon she was for sleeping with her daughter (and yes, I’ve since told her she was totally right!). I was convinced that if I slept with my baby I would roll over and smoosh him instantly, despite the fact that the second he made the tiniest snuffle in his bassinet I was up and by his side immediately. But after weeks passed, then months, without getting one good night’s sleep, and you could practically trip over the dark circles under my eyes, I knew something had to change. I didn’t give up on making him love sleeping in his crib, because seriously, I didn’t want an 18 year old sleeping in our bed, but after fighting with him at his first wake-up and eventually getting him back to sleep, I allowed myself the luxury of scooping him out of his crib at that second wake-up and curling up with him to nurse and go back to sleep on the twin bed we had in the nursery. He slept. I slept. It was beautiful. But soon it became even harder to get him down at that first wake-up and I was going in to sleep with him earlier and earlier. My husband, who adamantly refused in the beginning to let him sleep in our bed, missed sleeping with his wife. So one night he consented, and pretty soon Medium Boy was a permanent fixture in our bed. The crib became a storage bin/cat bed. And you know what? That baby who used to wake up every 1-3 hours every night started sleeping through the night. And I became not only human, but also a much better parent. Go figure.

My husband—you know, the guy who was so adamantly against co-sleeping in the beginning—became a convert and enjoyed getting to cuddle with Medium Boy as he went to sleep and spend more time with him after work, because yes, once we started co-sleeping, he went to bed when we went to bed. And I love, love, loved being able to sleep with my arms wrapped around his neck, my nose in his soft baby hair. We knew that eventually we’d have to transition him out of our bed and into a big boy bed in his own room, and the intention was always lurking there, but we were all so darn happy that it kept getting pushed off into the indefinite future.

And then we found out that Baby Boy was on the way. Suddenly that indefinite future had a looming deadline. But then I was so sick with morning sickness, and then I was so tired, and then we were planning to move and thought it would be better to transition him into his new room, and the excuses just kept piling up and before we knew it, we were bringing home a newborn while the toddler still slept between us.

To be continued...

Tint Jeans

Today I'm wearing one of my two treasured pairs of size 12 Tint jeans. When I first put them on many years ago, I had no idea how long they would remain my favorite jeans.

When I bought them I was miserably unhappy at my last job, and I weighed the most I've ever weighed in my life (yes, that includes both pregnancies). I assume they fit me like normal jeans at that point, and I remember them being so comfortable that I went out and bought another pair in the exact same size and style so I would have two.

When I quit my job and lost a lot of weight they grew looser and looser until they were eventually folded and put in the back of my closet, my "fat jeans" that I didn't anticipate ever wearing again. But I just couldn't get rid of them because I loved them so much.

In December of 2008 I was pregnant for the first time, but literally days after rejoicing over the pregnancy I'd been wanting so badly for months, I miscarried. The jeans came back out when I forced myself to stop crying and venture out of my house to celebrate my 28th birthday with my friend Lauren. While I wasn't in physical pain, I just needed something more gentle to wear and my old Tint jeans were just the thing. I also wore the red Treasu(red) t-shirt that my friend LeShayne and sweet niece and nephew Tori and Tristan had sent me as a birthday gift...it meant even more to get something so sweet when I was feeling so down.

My sadness was thankfully short-lived when I found out I was pregnant with Carter in February of 2009. My Tint jeans were the last pair of jeans that I wore before buying my first pair of maternity jeans, and I wore them for quite some time with an elastic band around the button and a belly band around the top. After Carter was born, they were the first "real" jeans I fit back in to until I got the baby weight off, then they went back into the closet again until January of 2011 when I found out I was pregnant with Collin. I gradually outgrew them again as my belly grew larger, then once again pulled them out about a month after he was born.

And here we are once again in that in between phase. The weight is coming off a bit slower this time, and really I don't care so much that I'm not back down to my pre-pregnancy weight. I'm wearing the extra 10 pounds as a badge of honor. My slightly softer, rounder shape is not from unhappiness like it was when I bought my Tint jeans years ago, but rather from the joy of being a mom.

Falling Asleep

I don't know if anyone is still reading this, but I want to start writing again, so here goes...

I try to sing him to sleep without curling up with him anymore since he’s two now—my medium boy—but today at naptime he wants to cuddle. He slips his silky head under my arm and wiggles his way under until my arm snakes around his neck, my hand wrapping around his head and resting atop his ear. I breathe in the smell of little boy…a tiny whiff of shampoo mixed with undertones of sweat (but not in a gross boy-sweat way, but the sweet-sweat of toddlerhood). I turn my head slightly to look up at the ceiling, but a quick hand darts out and pulls my cheek back, where a little face is looking at me. He presses his little lips to mine, then turns his head back around on his pillow and shuts his eyes.

“I love you, Carter,” I whisper.

“I love you too, Mama,” he whispers back before drifting off to sleep.